FACT: 20% of pregnancies will end in a miscarriage, and depending on many other factors (age, health, lifestyle habits) that number can either go up or down. It’s really not that uncommon to know someone, or have a friend know someone that has experienced one. It’s a comfort to know that the odds are in your favor, that when you conceive that all will turn out well and in about 40ish weeks you will have a beautiful bundle of joy to take home and love. Unfortunately, I become part of the 20% earlier this year when I lost my first pregnancy at 10 weeks. What’s even more mind boggling is that I had a missed miscarriage which all women have a 1-2% of ever having.
After 8 long years of trying to conceive, my husband and I found out we were finally pregnant. I’ll never forget that night. I was a few days late on my period but hey, sometimes that happens and I thought we missed our window to conceive since my husband was out of town during our fertile time…at least that’s what I thought. As I causally undressed to take a nice hot bath, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to be sure, but I was 100% convinced it would be negative. I took the test, placed it on the side of the tub, got into my bath and looked back over to the test…..a big, fat, PREGNANT appeared in the window.
For a moment, I didn’t believe it. This thing must be faulty but I ran out of the tub, naked to my husband who was just causally doing a cross word puzzle and showed him the test. We were both just stunned and I was overly excited. We ran out that moment (after I put some clothing on of course) and drove to Walmart to get more test which of course were all positive. I looked at my husband and ask, “Are you excited?” he looks into my eyes and says, “Yes of course but I’m also scared, what if you have a miscarriage?” I was thrown back a bit, this was actually something that didn’t cross my mind at all. My mother and sister never had one so naturally I was feeling sure of myself. Sure that this was God’s plan, sure that this was meant to be. Everything was telling me all was going to be well and we were going to have our baby finally. After a moments pauses, I looked back at him and said, “ Well if that’s going to happen then there is nothing we can do about it and we shouldn’t worry. We must look at the bright side, at least I got pregnant, we were able to create life, there is a life growing inside of me right now and that’s all that matter at this moment.”
My husband’s fear was realized when we had 2 consecutive ultrasounds that showed our precious little one had no heartbeat and wasn’t growing. The life inside me stopped grown at 6 weeks.
I want you to know, I don’t mind talking about this. I’ve had many conversation about my pregnancy and what happen to us without a moment of regret or sorrow. I can see that look in your eyes that says, “I’m sorry this happen to you” even if you never say it out loud. I appreciate your empathy but please, don’t pity me or feel sorry for me. Be happy for me that I was able to have this experience, many women can’t. Smile for me because I now have a little angel baby in heaven looking down on me that loves me and that I love back so, so much. I don’t have someone calling me mommy, and maybe I never will, but I’m a mother…I’m forever eternally grateful for that.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, for us, but one thing is for sure. God has a plan fo me, for all of us. We need to trust he knows what’s best for us and what’s meant will be. No matter what tragedy and misfortune is holding you right now, I pray that one day you will see the rainbow coming through the rain.
Trust the Journey