We always seem to hear about miscarriage from a woman’s perspective but what about the men? Naturally, I wanted to know and asked my amazing husband if he would shed some light. We never really talked about how he was feeling because he was worried about my physical and emotional well being during this rough time. Now that we both have had some reflection, I wanted to dig deep and find out what he was going through. What I read below completely warmed my heart and gave me an insight to my husband I’ve never seen before. I’m so incredible lucky and grateful to have him. Get your tissues out, you might need them:
Dawn and I had been trying to get pregnant for years. We’d sought medical intervention after a few years of trying but with various complications due to procedure and my schedule it never really worked out in a timely fashion. Several years later we think we’ve found the cause of our infertility and were ready to start that family.
We were ready, or said we were, but I don’t know if either of us truly knows what that means. How are you ready to create a life, and take care of that life for the rest of yours? It is a daunting and exciting challenge. But mostly, I’m just nervous!
When Dawn came running into the room with our positive pregnancy test…well, I was in shock, surprised, numb, and a bit tipsy. I had been drinking a few fingers of Laphroaig. The way she called my name as she came into the room I knew something major had or was happening. I didn’t know what it was, and it scared me.
The numb feeling is what I remember the most followed by nervousness. I attribute it to the shock of the announcement.
We knew what we were doing when we were “trying” but it’s still a bit of a shock when you get the hoped for result.
In any event, I was trying to remain calm but looking back on it, probably seemed cold. After it was confirmed with over half a dozen pregnancy tests my shock turned to worry.
I don’t want to worry, but it’s what I do. We were given this wonderful gift and I took immediately to worrying about losing it. Dawn was by far the strong and sensible one during this time. Except for the 6 more pregnancy tests over the next few days. Geez! She just loved seeing those blue lines, or PREGNANT written on those sticks.
I don’t ever remember saying, “what if you have a miscarriage” during our first conversation. But I remember thinking about it. This perfect little life is in our hands, is now ours. Nothing will ever be the same, I’m certain this child will sweep me off my feet.
Like any parent, I worried about my child. But that’s the emotion I got hung up on and mostly because there was nothing I could do. I think the stats are 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. So, yeah, there is a 80% chance your child will survive, so have fun trying to sleep tonight, or any night.
Eventually we got to the ultrasound when we were going to try and see/hear the heart beat. That was probably the most nervous and excited I’d been during this whole thing. Unfortunately we didn’t see or hear a heart beat that day. The doctors had explanations like perhaps we weren’t as far along as we thought, but I knew. We were already very late in Dawn’s fertility window but this would require us to have been almost a week out of the window.
We clung to hope, Dawn more than me I’m afraid. The practical, logical, man part of my brain new the math and science didn’t add up. I was mentally preparing myself for the worst during our next appointment. Obviously the worst happened but oddly enough, I was pulling for a miracle at that point. When hope was lost I was clinging to it anyway. Not so pessimistic after all. It broke my heart to know the truth and to know my sweet Dawn’s heart was breaking too.
The aftermath was to be expected. As a typical guy I stayed relatively quiet, tried my best to be supportive, and compartmentalized everything. At that point I hurt for Dawn and what she was going through much more than for anything I felt. I was and still am always able and willing to talk about it but it’s not a topic I bring up. Like many guys I think, I have emotions, thoughts, and things to say, but I don’t readily express them. They can be drawn out of me though. Hence this blog.
When we get pregnant again I hope I can enjoy the moment with my wife rather than shock and numbness. I hope I can be as outwardly excited as I truly was on the inside. I pray I’m consumed with hope rather than doubt, and confidence rather than worry.
Evan is the husband of the owner and operator of The Divine Life Blog. He’s currently an active duty officer for the US Air force.