I asked my very witty and funny friend if she ever wanted to write a post for my blog, please send it my way because she cracks me up all the time with her Facebook status’s. With her being a mother, she has more insight on things I can’t understand and therefore, she’s a great addition to my blog. This blog in particular made me smile and I think you will too.
You’re a mom. You stay at home with your kid. You don’t “work” for the first time in your adult life. You expected this would be relaxing, didn’t you? Admit it, you probably thought Stay at home moms were to be admired, sure. But, overall, they had an easier life than the 9-5. Or, 7-7. Hey, you always worked overtime! You worked 12s! You worked night shift! Your job was super hard! Oh come on, it can’t be that bad!
And now you realize it is. No. You’re not as GOGOGOGO as you were when you worked but after a few weeks (or months if you’re just way on top of your life) it’s hit you: You don’t get breaks anymore. And then, they start to crawl. And then walk. And open doors. And suddenly “You” are just “Mom” and peeing with the door closed is a luxury. (If you’re a new mom who still pees luxuriously, my reaction is as follows… First, I hate you a little. Second, Hahahaha You poor bitch. You don’t even know what’s coming. Your life is still yours. Oh, you sweet naïve lady.)
My reaction is a perfect example of why you need a variety of friends. You may be thinking, as we often do as new moms, that kidless friends aren’t going to be good friends for you for a while. Your path in life is drastically different than theirs now and their path cannot give you the guidance you need. You think you need people who understand. Not just in a hypothetical “I understand” way but in a real, been there, “I have the emotional PTSD of new mom syndrome” way. YOU’RE WRONG. You’re so wrong, you little rookie. (This is me talking to my stupid rookie self.) Google has advice. Your mom has advice. (Please note: if you think your mom was rubbish, she’s still an excellent source of advice… on what NOT to do.) What you need is a recharge. A refresh. You need to put the baby down and slowly back away. You’re going to be a worse mom if you don’t make time for you. And that’s where that kidless friend comes in.
First, she gives you exactly what you need: Pity. Because let’s be honest, you’re pitiful. All new moms are at some point. She’s going to look at you, leaving the house in what you think is pretty decent clothing and makeup for the first time by yourself and give you the shock blanket. She’s going to look at you and say, “Oh Lord, here’s a drink. You look like you need it.” And she’s not going to let you dwell on WHY your life is chaos. Because she knows you aren’t going to benefit from it. (Or she just may not want to hear it. Either way, it still serves your needs. Drink the wine and exhale. Use her bathroom and pee at least twice as much as you need to. With the door closed.) She’s here to help you forget Mommy You and remember YOU you. She is the perfect distraction from your chaos. And you need to forget why the smell of milk gives you goosebumps of dread. (That crap is always spoiled and a baby is definitely going to puke it at you later.)
Second: She’s going to let you live vicariously through her. She went to a casino 2 hours away last weekend on a whim. She slept until noon. She can take an hour in the shower whenever the hell she wants. She’s read a book that doesn’t rhyme. You can just be near her and smell the life you used to have. Smell the ease. Sit next to her and gather it in my osmosis. (No, that doesn’t work and yes, it will creep her out. But, chances are she already thinks you’re losing your shit, so probably no harm.) Smell the wonder of perfume untainted by applesauce puke. Look at her hands and know for a fact she hasn’t touched poop all day long. THERE IS POOP OR VOMIT ANYWHERE ON HER. Remember you were just that good, too, once. You smelled nice. You did your hair. You spent more time on your makeup than it takes for a child to find the dog. Take it in and know you will be that person again; once you sort your shit out. And, if you’re feeling particularly petty, you can smugly think, “This girl doesn’t know how complicated life can be” or “She has no idea what it is to really love” and feel like a badass because you do. (Just be quiet about it… being burnt out doesn’t justify saying bitch things. … as I’ve learned.)
Third: Even when you’re not away from your kid(s), she’s still a refresher for you. If you’re very lucky, you have a kidless friend who has no problem being around your chaos. One who makes light and jokes with you about things that make you want to crawl in a hole in die. Here’s a perfectly not hypothetical situation that you will experience in some variation with a kidless friend: Your newly potty trained 3 year old just peed and pooped everywhere in the bathroom. Your just-started-walking 1 year old found it before you did because you’re an idiot and peed with the door closed (Like some kind of fancy person). So there’s poop everywhere. You’ve discovered it by simultaneously stepping in it and being hugged by poop covered hands. So you strip down, put on a bath robe, put both kids in the bath and your friend arrives for the dinner that’s… oh shit, still in the oven … just as you are on hands and knees in your robe scrubbing poop off the wall. What you need at that point is help getting dinner out of the oven and getting your disgusting spawn dressed. Then, as soon as you’ve stopped screaming, you need someone that will make a joke about your house being, basically, R.Kelly’s. And then you will see it from the outside. You’ll know it was disgusting (you already did) and you’ll know that one day it’s going to be hilarious. You need a friend that can show you the humor in it, and not relate at all.
Fourth: A kidless friend could be the unicorn. A unicorn in this scenario is when you have a friend who actually loves your kid and totally doesn’t mind taking it for a few hours. So you can pee with the door closed as much as you want. (But you still won’t, because you’ll forget how to do that.) If you have a unicorn friend, trap it and let me study it. I had one for a while. She’d take my kid to church and then to lunch and the park then bring her back. I a) got a nap instead of having to go to church and b) my kid did go to church, so technically my mom religious duty was still complete. She literally moved all the way to Japan. It was soul crushing.
Last: She’s going to let you cut loose. This is undoubtedly my favorite part of Kidless friends. Veteran moms have this unintentional cringe built in toward inappropriate language and topics. You say ‘shit’ and she looks at you like you’re giving her kids meth. Even when her kids aren’t there. But your kidless friend is a grown ass woman who is incorruptible. She may raise her eyebrows, but she’s going to giggle at your bursts of profanity, not gasp. And I think we can all agree, there are just some times in your life you need to say SHIT instead of Shoot. But you don’t get to say those in your everyday life anymore. Because it’s basically the same as giving your kid meth. So you need to save them for when it’s safe. I’m the most foul when I’m at a girls night with kidless friends. Because I’ve been saving all my daily cursing up. And it’s safe. I’m not going to teach any kids naughty words at girls night with kidless friends … Unless they’re in the next booth over at dinner. But why the hell is that kid at a nice restaurant at 9pm? I do not know that kid; My language is that mom’s problem. That’s a risk you take bringing your kids out at 9pm, lady. Kids do not exist to me on girls’ nights out.
Because I am on a mommy pause. I’m recharging. I’ll be a better mommy afterwards. It’s so rare, it’s so beautiful. It’s so necessary. And ya know who still appreciates legitimate mommy breaks? Like, real life breaks of “No. I spend all my time catering my behavior and language to tiny children, for now it’s just about me”? KIDLESS FRIENDS. Lord almighty, thank you for creating Kidless friends! (You’ll probably note the cursing in this article and realize my kids are asleep and I am on a pseudo mommy pause now, too. In my head, I’ve a bit of a potty mouth and that works for me. It’s my silent rebellion. Also, my kids are sleeping so I’m watching shows I can’t watch while their awake, eating the good chocolate in bed and wearing no pants. It’s a mom party! … until my daughter wakes up and realizes that mommy did NOT stay in her bed with her all night and I have to fumble with an excuse on why mommy left the second she closed her eyes.)
Notable mentions of other “best” friends to have:
- Veteran moms who’s house you can go to and everything’s kid proof and when your kid does something incredibly embarrassing, she’s going to fix it with ease and tell you something worse her kids have done.
- Moms who are a hot mess and make you feel like super mom who knows it all and has her shit together. Sure, I have vomit on my jeans. But at least I’m not spiking my Coffee with Bailey’s and crying. (Basically, someone too whom you are the “Veteran Mom”)