I had my appointment with my fertility doctor yesterday. I haven’t seen him in a year and of course I was nervous and anxious. I knew I was going to hear things I didn’t like or want to hear but I didn’t imagine I would leave so devastated and hopeless. I may just be overly emotional and dramatic, I’ll take it, I can be for sure. So here is what I was told and here is how my mind processed it.
You don’t have much time, you are 35
Well, don’t I feel old as fuck! I was always under the impression, 35 was still young and I had time to have a baby. 35 has always been the age when I thought I would have a child by. I knew it was an age when your fertility declined and it was time to get serious if you were ever thinking of having a baby. My beautiful sister, Renee, got pregnant right away at almost 36 so naturally I thought everything would be ok, but, apparently, I was wrong. Thank doc, I know my time is running out. I appreciate the reminder.
You have a low egg reserve
Also known as, your eggs or not only old, they suck. I was under the impression that my low egg reserve numbers were do to my endometriosis. Once again, I was wrong and the Dr. so plainly explained that no, you have a very limited amount of eggs and they are no good. Well FML.
You are the sole reason you had a miscarriage
I was stupidly under the impression that it could have been my bad egg or maybe Evan had a bad sperm, but no. When the Dr. asked me, why did you have a miscarriage? I naively said, “Well something was wrong with either my egg or Evan’s sperm”. He screwed up his face and said, “No, it’s because your eggs was bad, your husband sperm are fine”. Thanks Doc, like I don’t feel shitty enough about myself, now I get to have on my mind that I’m the entire reason my baby never made it, thanks a lot.
You should start thinking about adoption
Uhm, no, no I won’t start thinking about adoption. I’m not putting down adoption at all, it’s great, it’s wonderful. At this point, I’m still trying to have my own. The fact that you made this point to me makes me feel like there is no hope and I’m destined to never have a baby with my complexion and Evan’s bright beautiful eyes. I can’t imagine a world were this is a reality….yet. Maybe someday but today isn’t that day.
You need a lower BMI, time to start the Akins diets
Ok great, thanks.
You have a miscarriage again, life goes on and the sun shines tomorrow
I don’t even know what to say to this really. I know! Let’s break out into a rendition of” Tomorrow” and have a party! Why didn’t I think of this sooner? I’m so stupid. Thanks doc I’ll never be sad again. Note to self: must rent Annie.
So, what it all comes down to is, Evan and I are preparing to go through IVF in April. At this point, I feel hopeless and do I really want to go through IVF, no, I don’t but as the doctor so clearly pointed out, I’m running out of time and options. I’m also worried about the financial burden this will put on us. Yet another thing we need to pay for because my body can’t do it for itself. I’ve never in my life felt like such a failure.
My entire existence has been a failure.