My husband can really be the strong, silent type. Sometime, I can’t gauge how he’s really feeling, unless that is, I ask him to put it in writing. With everything that’s been going on the past few months, I needed to know, how are you handling this crazy roller coast we got ourselves on? Here is what he had to say:
TTC or Trying To Conceive is one in a long list of new acronyms I’ve had to learn ever since ‘just having sex’ became Trying To Conceive. Did you know temping is not short-term employment? Or, “on DPO 10 my DH and I got a BFP?!?” It’s a language unto itself but it is nice to know others know it since they’ve been there too. The last couple of months have been frustrating with one BFN (Big Fat Negative) after another. I love the practice…but at some point we need to hit one out of the infield at least. Lately, the hormones and the emotional roller-coaster Dawn is on have got her somewhere between Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde, sometimes more between Mr Hyde and his crazy uncle Larry. I only joke about it because she knows it too, otherwise these might be the last words you ever hear from me.TTC or Trying To Conceive is one in a long list of new acronyms I’ve had to learn Click To Tweet
The latest Dr visit was as traumatic and emotional as it was obvious and predictable. Again the painfully logical, compartmentalized male brain put everything in it’s place and left the appointment secure in the knowledge that we (I) heard what I expected and knew what the next steps would be. We had a problem, we had some solutions; they both went into a box. The emotions of the whole ordeal went into a separate box to be mulled over at a more convenient time. Oh to be a man! Of course this gets me into trouble sometimes when I should show a bit more emotion rather than matter-of-fact clinical distance. Emotions are hard, displaying them is harder, and I’m trying to balance the desire to empathize in a tangible way with being the manly man, the shoulder to cry on, the rock, etc. Oh to be a man! How much stoicism is too much, how much overt emotion before it’s uncomfortable to her? I’m even doing it now, “empathize tangibly”, “overt emotions”…I’m talking crying here!
Our next big push will be with IVF. This realization was traumatic for Dawn because this is seen as a last resort. I try to look at it in a positive light because our chances are much improved doing it this way. Well, still about 50% but improved none the less. We’ll be pumping her full of drugs and hormones to get a bunch of viable eggs all at once. I play a much smaller role doing it this way; it’s more a short monologue. I don’t mean short in the way you might think I mean short. It’s a decent sized…monologue. But I digress…
Lastly, I don’t think I’m weird here but maybe I am. Since we are TTC and not “just having sex” I feel as though it should be done in a more dignified manner. Normally there is dirty talk, and spanking, and hair pulling…and that’s just what she does to me! But I can’t help but think sometimes, what would Evan Jr think if he knew he was conceived in such a way.
In any event, please wish us luck. We have friends that have gotten this far and gotten over the hump. We also have friends that have gotten this far and called it quits. We just pray for the strength to accept and flourish in the outcome, whatever it is. And to always keep practicing!