There was a time yoga was my best friend. It kept me grounded and made me feel really good about myself. I was also able to do some of those really awesome poses you see the professionals take on. Saturday morning hot yoga sessions as much as I hated getting out of bed were a life saver. It was also something I did while I was pregnant. My intentions for every session were to be healthy for my baby and having a good pregnancy. Never once thinking I would have a pregnancy loss.
The beach is also my happy place. The sun, the surf, the beauty. It always instantly makes me feel better.
The last time I was actually sitting on a beach, I was pregnant and having horrible morning sickness. You would think I would have been completely miserable and I was physically but emotionally I was ecstatic. I was pregnant, I was with my two friend who were also pregnant ( we were all 2-4 weeks apart) and life just seemed so right.
Days later I found out, my pregnancy wasn’t viable and like any expecting mother, my world was crushed and turned inside out. My feet have not touch the sand or a yoga mat ever since. All those good, happy memories were now like razor blades to my heartI know it won't be easy but I'm looking for that rainbow at the end of the rain Click To Tweet
Lately, I’ve just been so unhappy. Unhappy with myself, my journey, my life in general. I have a choice. I can continue to let life, my infertility, my miscarriage and all of my problems bring me down or I can pick myself up and trying to make sense of my life.
Two important element I think I need are to go back to my yoga practice and step foot back on the beach. So, that’s what I did. Not only that but I combined the two. Why not?
Was it emotional? Yes. I cried for an hour when I was done. Sunglasses on, tears streaming down my face as couples walking hand and hand passed by on their morning walk. All I could do was sit on my mat and let the sadness, fear, anxiety, and pain hit me wave after wave seeming to keep time with the ocean. All at once, I surrendered to it and release it. I no longer could keep it inside myself,I had to let go it of the poison eating away at my soul.
I laid back on my mat and mediated for a few more minutes. When I found the strength to rise again, I had a sense of relief. I felt calmer than I had in a very long time. It was a feeling of freedom I had many years ago when infertility wasn’t my everyday reality. If only I could have this feeling all of the time.
How does one turn a bad association into a good one? I can only guess it takes practice and time. Time I know I need to make if I want to find that peace and happiness again. I’m on a journey to find out because the beach and yoga are two things I plan to keep apart of my life for the rest of my life. I know it won’t be easy but I’m looking for that rainbow at the end of the rain and I won’t stop till I can see it.
What are things you do to try and heal from your pregnancy loss and/or infertility?
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