A moment of clarity
It was just about a week ago, I was in Albany with a dear friend of mine. She’s more like a sister, really. We have been through so much and this was just another bump in the road. She and her very soon to be ex husband have been going through a divorce for 3+ years now.
I was there for support and as a witness to testify on her behalf if this ended up going to trial. In the end, thankfully, there was no trial but that didn’t mean there wasn’t hurt, remorse, and resentment. This difficult time in her life really got me thinking about how the actions the people we love, or in this case, loved, can impact on our lives.
1 + 1 doesn’t equal 1
Though we feel like we are one with our spouse, we are really two individuals. Two separate entities that decided to come to together and work to build one life together. Sometimes, the things our significant others do make us feel responsible.
When a spouse cheats, we feel like it’s our fault. We aren’t skinny enough. We aren’t pretty enough. We didn’t do enough for him in and out of the bedroom. When they are unhappy, once again; we feel like it’s our fault. Something we did or didn’t do for them. When they want to divorce us, the blame goes right to us. Even when they say something that hurts us. No matter what they do to hurt us, we (and they!) can find a way to make it seem like our fault.
Why do we do this?
Why do we automatically get down on ourselves and think we are the problem? Why aren’t they the problem? Aren’t their actions all their very own? I’m here to tell you today: it’s not you; it’s not you at all. Sure, they might say you did or said something that caused them to act a certain way. They are always going to find a way to bring it back to you because it makes them feel justified.you aren't responsible for their actions Click To Tweet
If you’ve ever gone through something like this, you need to pay attention here: You aren’t to blame. You aren’t the things you feel after something a spouse does. You aren’t responsible for their actions. They are an individuals. As much as you would love to be able to control their feelings and actions, you simple can’t. No matter how much you ask and plead; if they’re going to step out, you’re not going to change that. Would it be nice if they took your feeling into consideration? Yes of course, and the good ones do, trust me. Just be aware: this might not happen.
What can you do? Change your way of thinking and know you aren’t them. What they do isn’t you. It’s not your fault. Nothing you did caused it or can change it. When they do wrong, step back and really look at the situation and take it from there. You may need time to process and walk away. I feel like that’s always the best first step. Sometimes things that are said can’t always be taken back. Leave and come back when you have a calmer mind and are ready to look at the situation guilt free and blame free.
Our spouses are going to mess up. We are going to mess up. It’s inevitable. How you approach and handle the situation is what’s really going to show what you, as a couple, are made of. How you feel about yourself and your well being is up to you. Keep this in mind next time they do something stupid. We all make mistakes, finding ways to get around them and work through it is what makes a strong, happy marriage.