I’ve been dreading and putting off this post for some time now. I’m honestly not sure why. Maybe because if I put my feelings into words, it makes the miscarriage more real. Regardless, it’s real either way. So here it goes. Let me go ahead and start where we left off. That would be at My IVF Transfer. So if you haven’t read that post first you may want to get caught up there. I’m also going to give you a little TTC update to tell you what’s happening in the months to come.
It’s amazing; I’m pregnant
Just 5 days after my 5-day transfer, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Of course, I’ve been researching and I also had a friend who just had a transfer that received a positive at 5dp5dt. So I thought, why not? If it was negative, I’d just try again the next day. If I got a positive, how amazing would that be? To my shock, I got a very, very light positive on my test. I didn’t get too excited at that point but wow, IVF had actually worked!
As the days went on leading up to my first beta, I continued to test and thankfully, the lines kept getting darker. My first beta ended up being 256 and 2 days later, it jumped to 650. I finally allowed myself to get a little excited. It wasn’t going to be a chemical, that much I knew. At this point, there was nothing more to do than sit and wait for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks.
Our first Ultrasound
All seemed to be going well. I was having morning sickness and my boobs were on fire. There was just one troubling new symptom I was having: pains on the left and right side of my abdomen. The day before my viability scan at my doctor’s office, the pain was getting worse. I was starting to worry and I asked Evan if he would take me to the ER. Of course, he did and they did an ultrasound and discovered some large cysts on my ovaries that might be the culprit. They redid my beta and it was a good high number, but they said they didn’t see a baby in my uterus.
My heart sank to the floor. I’m having a blighted Ovum I thought. Oh Lord, why? That night was horrible for me. I knew my scan was in the morning and I just couldn’t wait to get it over and done and move on from this heartache.
We went to our appointment the next morning as scheduled. I wanted to skip it; couldn’t stand seeing an empty uterus on the screen and hear “I’m sorry” from everyone. I mentally prepared myself and just looked away from the screen. As I’m laying, the tech says, “There’s your baby.” I whipped my head around and see this little peanut on the screen with a heartbeat thumping away. I instantly started to cry.
The emotions from the past 24 hours plus the hormones had me in a spin. My amazing husband was also in tears. After the ultrasound, Evan and I just held each other for a long time crying and hugging. It was a precious moment I’ll never forget.
First OB appointment
With all seeming to be well and our little one having a strong heartbeat, my husband deploys to Kuwait for 4 months. I figured it’s better to get it done now and have Evan home for the birth. A little less than 2 weeks later, I had my first OB appointment at 8 weeks.
That appointment, although long, was amazing. I got to see my peanut again but this time, it was a Jellybean. You could see how much it had grown from 2 weeks ago. It was adorable and my heart was so full. When you zoomed in you see the heartbeat thumping away again the way it had just a few short weeks ago.
I was so amazingly happy. The baby was measuring just a few days smaller which wasn’t a cause for concern and had a very strong heartbeat that had gotten faster. Evan and I were over the moon. Little did we know; heartbreak was just around the corner.
Second OB appointment and miscarriage
The message boards on Babycenter began talking a lot about women who were miscarrying at 10 weeks. Being 10 weeks along and about to have my second appointment, I was petrified. I had been trying for a long time to hear the baby’s heartbeat with my home Doppler for 2 weeks now with no luck. This is pretty normal so I didn’t get too worried. But I just couldn’t shake a bad feeling inside. I felt like something was wrong and the message board posts were not helping. I knew in my heart that if I could make it to 10 weeks, the most critical point in a pregnancy, my baby would be fine.
At my appointment, the office my doctor was at didn’t have an ultrasound tech that day so I had to drive to the other office. I waited to be fit in to the schedule for an hour. The whole time stressing and trying to tell myself all was well. But I didn’t feel like everything was OK. Finally, it was my turn and when the ultrasound starts, there is my Jellybean but I can see, it hasn’t grown at all.
It looked to be the same size it was 2 weeks ago and something else seems to be missing, that amazing heartbeat I had seen twice but never got to hear. I asked the tech cautiously, “Is there a heartbeat?” She says without looking away from the screen, “No, I’m sorry, I don’t see one”. Words can’t describe what I felt that moment. A mix of disbelief and shock ran through my body. I just couldn’t believe this was happening … again. My Jellybean was measuring 8 weeks which means it passed soon after my second ultrasound.
So what’s Next?
The weeks to follow after I found out we had lost our little one are a story of its own. I will have a blog post out very shortly about all that happened. It’s extremely involved and comes with a warning to those who find themselves having to decide on a natural miscarriage with medications or doing a D&C. Be on the lookout for that post.
I will say Evan came home for a bit from his deployment. We saw our reproductive endocrinologist and with his advice and encouragement are going to try IVF again in the March cycle. Evan and I are currently saving up and getting mentally prepared to do it all over again. No way are we giving up on becoming parents and having our own child. My biggest question was if we should use my eggs again or if we should get a donor. But for now, we are trying with my eggs again. We are remaining hopeful and looking to a much happier, fulfilling future.